It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
