Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
