hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
