That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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