Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
