These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
