there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
