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I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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