I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
