2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
