As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
