I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize