We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
