hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
