How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
