Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
