remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize