just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
