I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
