I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
