I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
