sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
