Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The Olympian is in my bed
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
