My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
im six kinds of drunk right now
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
