Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
