you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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