I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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