woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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