i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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