im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
