I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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