Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just want nice things and good sex
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
