he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
