ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
