i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
