I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
