the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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