what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
