Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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