i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
