Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Randomize
