Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
