true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
