i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize