i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
