why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
