Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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