Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
