just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
