Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
