...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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