tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
