I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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