sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
