Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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