Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
