can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize