I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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