so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
