i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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