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i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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