Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize