What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
