I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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