I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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